Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sick, Tired, and Scared

So far this pregnancy, I've kept pretty cool. I haven't been a teary-eyed mess, like I was last time. Until now. The moment my third trimester hit, I fell apart. Now I spend everyday hopping back and forth between being sick, tired, and scared. So please pardon these self-indulgent ramblings. Hopefully once I purge all of this, my blog (and my world) will soon return to the happy, pretty place it usually is. But for now:

I'm sick.
  • I'm sick of unsolicited advice. If I want to know what you, personally, would or would not name my baby, I'll ask.
  • I'm sick of being the bad guy: setting limits, dishing out punishments, etc.
  • I'm sick of being compared (indirectly, or otherwise) to other people. Especially other pregnant women.

I'm tired.

  • I'm tired of working my butt off as a mother, but only getting my work noticed when I screw up. "We're out of milk." or "Why don't I have any clean clothes?" etc.
  • I'm tired of hearing about my size. "You look too small." or "Wow! You've really popped out in the last couple weeks." Well, which one is it?
  • I'm tired of the haters. When you criticize me, or my parenting skills...such as,"You'll never be able to handle two kids," you're just feeding my worst fears (see below). And I don't think anyone needs or deserves that.
I'm scared.

  • I'm scared I won't love Baby as much as I love H. {yes, I know this is normal, and somewhat ridiculous...but it's still very real for me at the moment}
  • I'm scared H will feel like I don't love him as much once the baby comes. {Also normal, but very real for me}
  • I'm scared to have two kids. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it.
  • I'm scared of change.

So that's that. I realize that some of these things are just real-life normal motherhood kind of things that will never go away. Like milk and laundry. And others are exaggerrated by my raging hormones. But it always feels good to be completely honest about how I'm feeling and what I think. A girl's got to speak her mind sometimes. And that's just the way it is.

13 comments:

Iva said...

I am so sorry. I too felt some of these as well my second time around. I hate to be the person to say 'its normal, it will pass'. I think though a lot of these feeling just come with it, I think it shows you are am amazing lady, a strong mommy, and a great mommy. I can only say, I know how you feel on some of these, and they are real, strong, honest emotions. You are doing very well. You are almost there...and when you finally hold little itty bitty #2, it will all be alright. I am sorry, please know everything will be ok.

ms. less is always more said...

I know nothing I say will change any of it for you. But do know that others (including me!) have experienced the same things - so you are not alone. You are the only one that knows what is best for you and your family. Take some time to take care of you for a bit before the next one comes and some day you won't believe you ever doubted yourself. HUGS!!!

cathi said...

You couldn't have said it better...those were all of my fears too....Pamper yourself not just at this time in your life but always, and know that you aren't alone in all of this...

Miss | A said...

hang in there girly! remember only your husband and H's opinions matter. Tune out the rest of the world! You will do great. I haev 3, if it wasnt easy I never ever would have chosen to go there! You are a great Mommy I can tell, and H will help you do the little special things you will be doing for the baby. Give him jobs...now, to get ready for baby. Try giving H a weekly job of checking something in the baby's new room or space. Mess up the crib bed and say once a wk a need you to check the baby bedding to make sure it is nice and tidy. then give him .25 and then mess it up a few days later. HE may carry on with that job after baby and pay him. Make him feel important and needed. Just a thought. Add jobs as teh baby gets here. To help get diapers for you etc...and he will feel sooooo big. Oh, you are sooo lucky to get teh gift of another baby! Cherish it girl.
XO

Hilary said...

Ever since my doctor said to me, "don't be surprised if you go into labor anytime," I've been an emotional basket case. It's like every emotion I could possibly feel is staring me in the face. So, let's just say I feel like I somewhat understand what you are going through. Will I ever be back to normal again? I guess what is normal?

Sheri said...

I have totally felt everything you talked about...being scared and feeling like everything I do isn't good enough. Well YOU CAN DO it. H and the baby are lucky to call you mama. Sending hugs and Love your way!!!

Kristin said...

Awwwwwwwww. I'm sorry. It's amazing how much those preggers hormones wreak havoc! You WILL love this bambino equally as much. H will be ok and will love this bambino too! And to all those who inundate you with their unsolicited advice and comments...to heck with them!

Blair said...

Christina, I am sorry. I think Miss. Aimee's words are spot on. I know you will be an amazing at being a mother to two. Thinking about you!! xx b

Emily said...

I personally think you will be a perfect Mother of two. EM

Kara said...

Hang in there. My best advice is let your friends/family help when they can.

And know all your blog friends are thinking about you too.

down and out chic said...

you are such a genuine, kind, lovely person and i can't imagine that you won't be the perfect mother to your two children.
if i could give you a giant hug, i would, so i'm pretending to give you a hug.

Kotori said...

Oh, I know how you feel. That second baby in some ways can be even scarier than the first... but it all will work out great (and, yes, you will love the baby just as much as H).

I know how you feel - we've all been there. And made it through... some days easier than others but it's all worth it! Take some extra time and just enjoy your little family of 3 and their opinions are the only ones that count.

Memmott Family said...

I am so sorry you are feeling that way.. or did. I am sure you look great. I did see you on the 4th and thought you looked awesome, and wish i looked that good pregnant! When people suggest to you on names.. no one named their babies right? You will be an Awesome mother of 2!!! Best wishes in the end!! I love Miss A advice I might have to try that someday!